"love is painful because is creates the way for bliss. love is painful because it transforms; it is a mutation. each transformation is going to be painful because the old has to be left for the new. the old is familiar, secure, safe, the new is absolutely unknown. you will be moving in an uncharted ocean. you cannot use your mind with the new; with the old, the mind is skillful. the mind can function only with the old; with the new, the mind is utterly useless.
hence, fear arises. and leaving the old, comfortable, safe world, the world of convenience, pain arises. it is the same pain that the child feels when he comes out of the womb of the mother. it is the same pain that the bird feels when he comes out of the egg. it is the same pain that the bird will feel when he will try for the first time to be on the wing. the fear of the unknown, and the security of the known, the insecurity of the unknown, the unpredictability of the unknown makes one very much frightened.
and because the transformation is going to be from the self toward a state of no-self, agony is very deep. but you cannot have ecstasy without going through agony. if the gold wants to be purified, it has to pass through fire.
love is fire.
it is because of the pain of love that millions of people live a loveless life. they, too, suffer, and their suffering is futile. to suffer in love is not to suffer in vain. to suffer in love is creative; it takes you to higher levels of consciousness. to suffer without love is utterly a waste; it leads you nowhere, it keeps you moving in the same vicious circle.
the man who is without love is narcissistic, he is closed. he knows only himself. and how much can he know himself if he has not known the other? because only the other can function as a mirror. you will never know yourself without knowing the other. love is very fundamental for self-knowledge too. the person who has not known the other in deep love, in intense passion, in utter ecstasy, will not be able to know who he is, because he will not have the mirror to see his own reflection.
relationship is a mirror, and the purer the love is, the higher the love is, the better the mirror, the cleaner the mirror. but the higher love needs you to be open. the higher love needs you to be vulnerable. you have to drop your armor; that is painful. you have not to be constantly on guard. you have to drop the calculating mind. you have to risk. you have to live dangerously. the other can hurt you; that is the fear in being vulnerable. the other can reject you; that is the fear of being in love.
the reflection that you will find in the other of your own self may be ugly--that is the anxiety; avoid the mirror! but by avoiding the mirror you are not going to become beautiful. by avoiding the situation you are not going to grow, either. the challenge has to be taken.
one has to go into love. that is the first step toward god, and it cannot be bypassed. those who try to bypass the step of love will never reach god. that is absolutely necessary, because you become aware of your totality only when you are provoked by the presence of the other, when you are brought out of your narcissistic, closed world under the open sky.
love is an open sky. to be in love is to be on the wing. but certainly, the unbounded sky creates fear.
and to drop the ego is very painful because we have been taught to cultivate the ego. we think the ego is our only treasure. we have been protecting it, we have been decorating it, we have been continuously polishing it. and when love knocks on the door, all that is needed to fall in love is to put aside the ego. certainly it is painful. it is your whole life's work, it is all that you have created--this ugly ego, this idea that "I am separate from existence."
this idea is ugly because it is untrue. this idea is illusory, but our society exists, is based on this idea that each person is a person, not a presence.
the truth is that there is no person at all in the world; there is only presence. you are not--not as an ego, separate from the whole. you are part of the whole. the whole penetrates you, the whole breathes in you, pulsates in you, the whole is your life.
love gives you the first experience of being in tune with something that is not your ego. love gives you the first lesson that you can fall into harmony with someone who has never been part of your ego. if you can be in harmony with a woman, if you can be in harmony with a friend, with a man, if you can be in harmony with your child or with your mother, why can't you be in harmony with all human beings? and if you can be in harmony with all human beings, why can't you be in harmony with animals and birds and trees? then one step leads to another.
love is a ladder. it starts with one person, it ends with the totality. love is the beginning, god is the end. to be afraid of love, to be afraid of the growing pains of love, is to remain enclosed in a dark cell. modern man is living in a dark cell. it is narcissistic--narcissism is the greatest obsession of the modern mind. and then there are problems, which are meaningless. there are problems that are creative because they lead you to higher awareness. there are problems that lead you nowhere; they simply keep you tethered, they simply keep you in your old mess. love creates problems. you can avoid those problems by avoiding love--but those are very essential problems! they have to be faced, encountered; they have to be lived and gone through and gone beyond. and to go beyond, the way is through. love is the only real thing worth doing. all else is secondary. if it helps love, it is good. all else is just a means, love is the end. so whatsoever the pain, go into love.
if you don't go into love, as many people have decided, then you are stuck with yourself. then your life is not a pilgrimage, then your life is not a river going to the ocean; your life is a stagnant pool, dirty, and soon there will be nothing but dirt and mud. to keep clean, one needs to keep flowing. a river remains clean because it goes on flowing. flow if the process of remaining continuously virgin.
a lover remains a virgin--all lovers are virgin. the people who don't love cannot remain virgin; they become dormant, stagnant; they start stinking sooner or later--and sooner rather than later--because they have nowhere to go. their life is dead.
that's where modern man finds himself, and because of this, all kinds of neuroses, all kinds of madnesses have become rampant. psychological illness has taken epidemic proportions. it is no longer that a few individuals are psychologically ill; the reality is the whole earth has become a madhouse. the whole of humanity is suffering from a kind of neurosis, and that neurosis is coming from your narcissistic stagnancy. everyone is stuck with their own illusion of having a separate self, then people go mad. and this madness is meaningless, unproductive, uncreative.
you may not commit suicide by taking poison or jumping from a cliff or by shooting yourself, but you can commit a suicide which is a very slow process, and that's what happens. very few people commit suicide suddenly. others have decided for a slow suicide; gradually, slowly, slowly they die. but the tendency to be suicidal has become almost universal.
this is no way to live. and the reason, the fundamental reason, is that we have forgotten the language of love. we are no longer courageous enough to go into that adventure called love.
hence people are interested in sex, because sex is not risky. it is momentary, you don't get involved. love is involvement, it is commitment. it is not momentary. once it takes roots, it can be forever. it can be a lifelong involvement. love needs intimacy, and only when you are intimate does the other become a mirror. when you meet sexually with a woman or a man, you have not met at all; in fact, you avoided the soul of the other person. you just used the body and escaped, and the other used your body and escaped. you never become intimate enough to reveal each other's original faces.
love is the greatest zen koan.
it is painful, but don't avoid it. if you avoid it you have avoided the greatest opportunity to grow. go into it, suffer love, because through the suffering comes great ecstasy. yes, there is agony, but out of the agony, ecstasy is born. yes, you will have to die as an ego, but if you can die as an ego, you will be born as god, as a buddha.
and love will give you the first tongue-tip-taste of tao, of sufism, of zen. love will give you the first proof that life is not meaningless. the people who say life is meaningless are the people who have not known love. all that they are saying is that their life has missed love.
let there be pain, let there be suffering. go through the dark nigh, and you will reach such a beautiful sunrise. it is only in the womb of the dark night that the sun evolves. it is only through the dark night that the morning comes.
my whole approach is that of love. i teach love and only love and nothing else. you can forget about god; that is just an empty word. you can forget about prayers because they are only rituals imposed by others on you. love is the natural prayer, not imposed by anybody. you are born with it. love is the true god--not the god of theologians, but the god of buddha, jesus, mohammed, and the god of the sufis. love is a device, a method to kill you as a separate individual and to help you become the infinite. dissappear as a dewdrop and become the ocean--but you will have to pass through the door of love."
A call comes through on the customer service line.
Customer Service Rep:
Yes, Ma'am, how can I help you today?
Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install love. Can you guide me through the process?
CS Rep: Yes, I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?
Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready to install now. What do I do first?
CS Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma'am?
Customer: Yes I have, but there are several other programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?
CS Rep: What programs are running ma'am?
Customer: Let's see, I have PAST-HURT.EXE, LOW-ESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.
CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will gradually erase PAST-HURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOW-ESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGH- ESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?
Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
CS Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.
Customer: Okay, done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?
CS Rep: Yes. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?
Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?
CS Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Heart's in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops. I have an error message already. What should I do?
CS Rep: What does the message say?
Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS." What does that mean?
CS Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others.
Customer: So what should I do?
CS Rep: Can you pull down the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?
Customer: Yes, I have it.
CS Rep: Excellent. You're getting good at this.
Customer: Thank you.
CS Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVE-SELF.DOC, REALIZE-WORTH.TXT, and ACKNOWLEDGE-LIMITATIONS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any programming. Also, you need to delete SELF-CRITIC.EXE from all directories, and to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back, you will need to empty your recycle bin.
Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with new files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART. Is this normal?
C Rep: Sometimes. For others it takes a while, but eventually everything gets downloaded at the proper time. So, LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go.
CS Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some similarly cool modules back to you.
Customer: I will. Thanks for your help. By the way, what's your name?
CS Rep: You can call me the Divine Cardiologist, also known as The Great Physician. Most people feel all they need is an annual checkup to stay heart-healthy, but the manufacturer suggests a schedule of daily maintenance for maximum efficiency.
Give a little love away ... keep in touch
..:: Golden rules for finding your life partner ::..
by Dov Heller, M.A.
A relationships coach who lays out his 5 golden rules for evaluating the prospects of long-term marital success. When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake.
Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50Àit appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Miss Right!
If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll say: "We're in love." I believe this is the .1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love.
Though this may sound "not politically correct," there's a profound truth here.
Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love isthe result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: "You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone." You need a lot more!!!
Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.
Do we share a common life purpose?
Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone.What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.
Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can grow together, or (2) you can grow apart. 50 f the people out there aregrowing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life! Bottom line; and marry someone who wants the same thing.
Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?
This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person.The basis of having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won't get "punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.
Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing". So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is notsomeone whose top priority is character refinement.
There are essentially two types of people in the world:
(1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and
(2) people who are dedicated to seeking comfort.
Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.
How does he/she treat other people?
The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.
Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed?
To measure this, think about the following:
How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc.?
How do they treat their parents and siblings?
Do they have gratitude and appreciation?
If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything; can you do nearly as much for them?
You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.
Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this personafter we're married?
Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve" them after they're married. As a colleague of mine puts it: "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage for the worse!" If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.
In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart.
It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating; to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't do your homework.
There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance.. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you.
Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know, or appreciate you?
The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.
An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye."
Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren't really that important.
Do you bring out the best in each other?
Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare and control?
What do you bring to the relationship?
Do you bring pastrelationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?
You can't take someone to the altar to alter them.
You can't make someone love you or make someone stay.
If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life" you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.
WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN
7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes, etc.)
8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT
If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment,withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will replace the passion.